when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
whose ass print is on the piano?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
