I showed him my bush... on skype.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
