true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
