if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
