a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
