I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
