the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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