remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
