i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
