saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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