I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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