Someone shit on the floor
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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