If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
