Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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