No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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