so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
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