so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
