I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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