I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
