i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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