I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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