I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
