guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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