Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
