i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
