I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
