Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
