What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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