my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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