i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet