I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
