i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
porn star boner night. come get it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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