woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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