I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
