Umm I'm too high to move.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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