If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
