We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
