Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
