So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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