so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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