Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
