he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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