you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
