At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
