when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
