WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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