I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
