Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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