I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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