We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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