Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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