I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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