I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
