I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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