Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
