oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
