I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
