God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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