low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
