i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
